Jokes, What else??

[batfreak]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive blond female
neighbour came out of the house and went straight to
the mailbox. She
opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the
house.

A little later she came out of her house again went
to the mail box and
again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily,
back into the house she
went. As the man was getting ready to edge the
lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then
slammed it closed
harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is
something wrong?" To which
she replied, "There certainly is!"
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > (are you ready? ... this is a beauty ...)
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."




------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k.

[Jaxom 27]

Blonds of the world UNTIE!

------------------
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
"You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.

[Freyja]

::sniffle:: it's so hard being an intelligent blonde. You have no idea what it's like.. not accepted in either world...

------------------
Freyja
"I'm Bi! Come one and all!" -- George, Paradise Kiss

I have paisley.

[batfreak]

> Dear PC World:
> Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2>

> which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are
>
> apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was
> to
>
> try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters
>
> worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other
>
> applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1.
>
> Successive versions of Girlfriend have proved no better. A shareware
>
> beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in my
>
> system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I
>
>
> tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to
>
> discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused
>
> severe damage to all my hardware.
>
> Sensing a way out, I upgraded to Fianc?e 1.0
>
> only to discover that this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. I did>

> this largely because, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it>

> does come bundled with freebies Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.
>
> However, I discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to
> run.
>
> For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's>

> memory and could not be deleted, they then re-surfaced months later.
>
> Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and>

> can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip. These latter
>
> products have no helpfiles and require you to try and
>
> guess the problem yourself.
>
> Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle, that came with>

> the original system, needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser
>
>
> Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled
>
> every other week. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted>

> to try, stating that they are an illegal operation.
>
> When Wife 1.0 attaches itself
>
> to my Nova programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0
>
> also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law,
>
> which can't be turned off.
>
> Recently I've been tempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be
>
> problems, if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it will delete
>
>
> all MS Money files before un-installing itself.



------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k.

[Katchoo]

ROFLMAO!!!!!

S'funny cuz s'true!!!

------------------
The maverick heroine of STP land, avenger against those who would kick off with pretty women;
Hero to some, just another pretty face to others.
The cutest little lesbian.
THE Lesbian.


...Without love, we are never more than Strangers In Paradise.

"Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane
mittam. Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!"
(I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head. May barbarians invade your personal space!)

[Jaxom 27]

Ain't it though?

------------------
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
"You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.

[Kamikaze]

Okay, not a joke per sey..

This is a true story (??) and was the first place winner in
the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

__________________________________________________ __

A Charlotte, N.C. lawyer purchased a box of very rare
and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire
(among other things).

Within a month, having smoked his entire stock-pile of
these great cigars, and not yet having made even his
first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer
filed a claim against the insurance company. In his
claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a
series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the
obvious reason: the man had consumed the cigars in the
normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won!

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the
insurance company that the claim was frivolous,
however, the judge stated that the lawyer held a
policy from the company in which it had warranted that
the cigars were insurable, and had guaranteed that
it would indeed insure them against fire, without
defining what is considered "unacceptable fire"-
and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than
endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the ruling and paid
$15,000.00 to the lawyer for his incendiary bamboozle.

NOW FOR THE GOOD PART.............

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance
company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!!
with HIS OWN INSURANCE CLAIM AND TESTIMONY FROM THE
PREVIOUS CASE BEING USED AGAINST HIM, THE LAWYER WAS
CONVICTED OF INTENTIONALLY BURNING HIS INSURED
PROPERTY AND SENTENCED HIM TO 24 MONTHS IN JAIL AND A
$24,000.00 FINE.

------------------
Member of the Branflakes Fan Club
Duct Tape is like the force:It has a light and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
"Kamikaze: You're awful. In a good way."-Branflakes

[This message has been deleted by Kamikaze (deleted February 02, 2002).]

[Firebird98]

D'OH!!!!

------------------
Thou Shall Not Spilleth Thy Beer
Enforcer for WiloeLeigh
Jely is my other sidekick
Ski and Tyledras are family.
If I'm right then I lose nothing nothing, if you're right I lose it all.
True friends stab you in the front

"You are such a whore."-Tyledras

"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
George Orwell

[Ski]

Sure is

------------------
Miral's Slave
tyledras's Sidekick
Sanctuary for an Elf

I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar!

[Jaxom 27]

Oh now that is classic...who says the system is flawed?

------------------
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
"You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.